4 Brian the Superhero: Defender of Quahog and Protector of the Weak
by TheNewIdea
Summary: In which the idea that everyone can be a hero continues as Brian dons the cape and cowl once again. This time around Chris is suffering from the ever present and increasingly clichéd struggles of school. There is no possible way that Brian could repeat his "success" with Meg, at least, not without a little help.
1. Chapter 1

It was a cold November evening, ten o'clock at night to be precise, when Brian woke up from a fairly restful sleep and headed down to the kitchen for the traditional peanut butter and jelly sandwich. Like all dogs Brian wasn't supposed to eat peanut butter, but he did it anyway, if nothing else to have another thing to rebel against "society" for. Opening the refrigerator, searching for the jelly, Brian began whistling to himself a made tune up in his head that only he could hear. This was followed by an appropriate Bob Segar song, Night Moves. Like most people with songs in their heads, Brian sang the song in breaks, combining words with humming or whistling, at the moment, since he was already whistling to begin with, Brian whistling 95% of Night Moves to himself, only chiming in at the parts that had significance in the present moment.

"Working on the night moves...trying to break some...working on the night moves. It was summertime."

After retrieving the jelly, Brian made his way to the pantry, why he didn't do this first is mostly out of habit, for every time Brian entered the kitchen he always went to refrigerator before going anywhere else. Usually it was to look for beer or grape jelly. On this particular night, the Griffins being out of grape jelly, Brian settled for blackberry, his second favorite.

Bread and peanut butter now on the table, Brian headed for the drawer to get a knife, Night Moves was still in this head, he began to slowly dance around the room, his tail wagging rhythmically as he did so.

"And we'd steal away every chance we could...I used her and she used me but neither one cared, we were getting our share..."

At this point Brian, sandwich made, began to put up the jelly, peanut butter and bread in the order that he retrieved them. After which, Brian sat down at the end chair, the one usually reserved for Peter, and took his first bite of the sandwich, laughing giddily at one of his guilty pleasures that he rarely got to enjoy, as he swallowed down 80% peanut butter, 15% jelly and 5% bread.

The kitchen light turned on.

Brian turned towards the threshold that led into the living room to face Chris, who had also gone down into the kitchen for a late night snack of a different kind. Chris was dressed in blue pajamas, a small fat roll protruded from underneath the shirt, overhanging the waist, making the shirt appear two sizes too small. Chris' hair, which was normally well kept even in sleep, was dirty and matted, as if he had recently been outside in the heat. Since it was November and in the Northeastern part of the United States, that option was ruled out.

"What are you doing here?" Chris asked sleepily as he opened the freezer, pulling out a half eaten carton of ice cream, it was Ben and Jerry's Rocky Road flavor, Chris' favorite ice cream.

"Nothing" Brian answered, struggling as he pushed through the peanut butter, which had already stuck to the roof of his mouth, "Just...indulging myself a bit. You?"

Chris huffed playfully as he moved across the room, opening the silverware drawer and pulling out a spoon.

"Same" Chris replied as he sat down in his usual spot, "Nothing wrong with that now is there?"

Brian shook his head; a small smile crept on his face, "Was there something wrong to begin with?" he asked in turn.

Brian's question was rhetorical; Chris however, took it as a literal one and so gave an answer.

"The others have been saying that I'm not good enough" Chris exclaimed sadly, "I keep telling myself that they're wrong, but after hearing one thing for long, you can't help but believe it."

Brian was busy working the peanut butter off of the roof of his mouth with his tongue and as a result was only half listening. It wasn't that Brian didn't care, he most certainly did, but it was just one of those things that were so incredibly annoying that it was almost impossible to ignore for any stretch of time.

Chris rolled his eyes and stood up. Chris shuffled his feet, too tired to actually pick up his feet and walk, over to the refrigerator. Opening the door, Chris pulled out what was left of the milk and upon seeing that there wasn't much to begin with, set it on the table and slid it towards Brian's side, the dog stopping the jug before it reached the edge and spilled over the floor.

"That should help" Chris said as he let out a yawn.

Brian nodded and stopped eating, despite every instinct telling him to continue. Taking a long drink from the jug, Brian managed to work the remaining bits of peanut butter down his throat, after which he wiped his mouth with his arm and moved once again to eat his sandwich, completely defeating the purpose of the milk. Before Brian took another bite of what would have been the equivalent of a spoonful of peanut butter Chris stopped him.

"Brian, I need you to listen to me" he said sternly, "I don't know what else to do."

Brian, sensing Chris' tone of voice and guessing that something was wrong, set the sandwich down and immediately forgot about it. He then wriggled his way out of the chair and made his way over to Chris on all fours.

"Come on Chris" Brian replied warmly as he made his way to the living room, "Let's talk."

Chris raised his eyebrows curiously, for Brian never wanted to talk about anything with him before. Then again, Chris did ask for help, so it was an appropriate reaction for Brian to give. Chris also wondered why Brian reverted to all fours so naturally as if he did it on a regular basis, he hoped that Brian, when asked, would have an answer for this question, which he would give in due time.

The living room was significantly darker than usual, the lights being off. As Chris made his way into the room, Brian turned on the lamp that rested on the coffee table next to the couch. Brian did not move for the couch or the lounge chair, instead taking a piece of carpet. Chris shrugged and took a spot next to Brian, deciding to meet him on level ground.

"Now" Brian began, stretching himself out as if he were a cat, "Tell me what's going on. Is it bullying, grades, girl problems, teacher issues or outside issues?"

Chris huffed indifferently, "Try all of the above, Brian."

Brian raised his ears confusingly at this, "All of the above!" he exclaimed overdramatically, rolling his eyes and raising his voice to uncomfortable levels, "What on earth could be so bad!"

Chris, slightly laughing at Brian's response, shrugged as an answer. "Just another typical day in the life of Chris Griffin" Chris declared, "I'm nobody Brian. I'm a fat, unattractive loser."

Brian wanted to jump in at this point, but stopped himself when he looked into Chris' eyes. Respectively, Brian waited for Chris to continue.

"I have no talent, my teachers are out to get me and everything I do is doomed for failure."

Brian smiled knowingly, despite having never experienced the public school system and thus having almost no firsthand knowledge, all of his experiences drawing from secondhand accounts and the brief time he taught Remedial English.

"Sounds to me like it's all in your head, buddy" Brian replied with a yawn of his own, "You just need to find something you're into. Take me for instance, I like writing, Hemmingway and peanut butter sandwiches at ten o'clock at night."

Brian paused to allow the idea to sink into Chris' head, when he didn't get a response, he slowly egged him on.

"So...tell me. What do you like to do?"

Chris sighed, he did not see what video games, Donatello, both the artist and the Ninja Turtle, and Rocky Road ice cream had to do with his problems. To him, the world was a place of constant ridicule and confusion, where expressions of art and intelligence had little place and where ignorance thrived. For Chris, as Brian was to soon discover, despite appearances, had particular standards that he set for himself, standards that he never met and most likely never would meet.

"I like sleep, sleep and sleep" Chris replied sarcastically as he stood up and made his way towards the staircase, "So if you don't mind, I'll simply make my way to it."

Brian shrugged as he scratched behind his right ear with his hind leg, something that he never did, "Alright, that's fine" the dog continued, "We can just talk tomorrow. How does that sound?"

Chris either did not hear him or he did and simply ignored him, either way, Brian went unanswered. Once Chris was upstairs, Brian stood up, back to his normal way of being and pulled out a notebook and pen. Sitting on the couch he began to write by lamplight.

_"To describe Chris Griffin is to describe everything that you think you hate about yourself, but love anyway. Outwardly, his appearance is rather ordinary, there is nothing particularly remarkable about Chris at face value, but then again the same can be said for everyone. Inwardly, Chris, like all the Griffin children, is unique in his own way. But until he discovers this for himself, I can say it all I want and tell it to him all I want and it would still mean absolutely nothing."_

Brian closed the notebook and put book and pen back in its place. He closed his eyes for a moment and laughed as he thought about what needed to be done in order for Chris to realize his potential. As he drifted off to sleep, Brian began mumbling to himself words that he thought he'd never say again, words that in truth, he missed.

"Out from the darkness and into the light, he will strike evildoers with terror and fright. The people of Quahog will not despair as long as he is there. They only need to shout his name and he will appear-Batdog, Defender of Quahog...and protector of the weak!"

And so it begins.


	2. Chapter 2

The abrupt ringing of a doorbell caused Brian to wake up from his, now restless sleep. All night he had been dreaming about ways to help Chris with his still unidentified problems. He came up with virtually nothing and so decided to play it by ear. Cricking his back and rolling his neck, Brian walked over to the door to answer it.

"Hey dog" Death said welcomingly as Brian opened the door, "Lovely day isn't it?"

Brian slammed the door as hard as he could; breathing sporadically, for Death was usually not a welcome sight when one first woke up in the morning. In his head Brian began to think of everything that he ever did in his life and the excuses he would use to avoid being reaped. Slowly, shaking uncomfortably and on the verge of pissing himself, Brian opened the door, only allowing enough room for his head to stick through the opening.

"Hey how's it going?" Brian began nonchalantly

Death hung his head, for he had feeling that this wasn't going to be easy.

"Look I'll cut to the chase" Death replied, ignoring Brian's statement, "I'm here to collect your soul. Now since you're obviously not going to like that, I am ready to hear your rebuttal and whatever excuse you might have. So come on...let's hear it."

Brian laughed playfully, "Aw come on Death, you don't really mean that do you?" he continued, trying put on as much charm as possible, "I know that you're the Grim Reaper of Souls and it's kind of your job but can't we just let this pass?"

Death remained unfazed causing Brian to switch tactics.

"Can I call you John?" Brian asked, "You look like a John to me. Is that weird?"

Death sighed annoyingly, "You realize that I'm being nice right? I could just as easily make this as painful as possible, rip your soul from your body and laugh as your corpse falls to the ground."

Brian moved to shut the door again, before he could Death held up his hand, stopping him in his tracks.

"Are you going to say anything or are you just going to play hard to get?" Death asked, "You might as well start talking Brian, the more you say, the easier this is going to be."

Brian nodded and cautiously looked into the house; he silently prayed to Whomever that the family had decided to sleep in for a few extra minutes before beginning the morning routine.

"Dying isn't exactly on my list today" Brian began rather meekly, "You see I've got this thing with Chris. I'm kinda helping him turn his life around to where it isn't complete and total shit and I need to be alive to do that. Also, on what grounds are you here exactly? I don't recall doing anything that warranted immediate death."

Death smiled, Brian couldn't see it because of the large hood that covered his face, but the smile was undoubtedly present due to Death's change in posture, which became more relaxed. Pulling out a list from his back pocket, Death couldn't help but laugh.

"According to this list you've done everything but commit murder and sexual assault" Death declared, "There's no reason why I shouldn't kill you. In fact, I have an entire list of people who want you dead!"

Brian did not want to hear the list of people who wanted him dead. Death did not move for it and simply remained where he was.

"Look" Brian exclaimed, "As much as I would love to help you out John, I really can't. There's so many things that I haven't gotten to do!"

Death huffed, "Name one thing" he replied, "One thing that you haven't done yet and I'll let you live."

Brian shrugged and gave his best answer, "I haven't had a kid of my own species yet. There, one thing I haven't done. Now, if you'll excuse me I really need to-"

Death stopped him with the simple jutting of his scythe.

"That's not entirely true Brian" Death said knowingly, "You know it as much as I do. Now...give me a real answer."

Brian, completely serious at this point, thought about the issue long and hard. He stood there for several minutes, thinking about the things that he done and the things that he didn't do, most of them irreversible.

"Chris" Brian stated solemnly, "I haven't been with Chris. That's the best I got. You want to take me now, go ahead, but just know that up there is a boy who needs me, who needs me to be his dog, something that I haven't really been. If it really is my time to go that's fine, I'll go, but not until I help Chris."

Death nodded and carefully put his scythe away, when this was done, Death leaned down and met Brian's gaze, trying to see if he was telling the truth.

"You're serious aren't you?" Death asked curiously

Brian nodded, "As serious as anyone could be. So what's it going to be Death? You goanna take me or not?"

Death shook his head, "I think I've done enough reaping for today. Go. Do your business, in fact..."

Brian raised his ears hopefully, "Does that mean I'm clear?" he asked, interrupting Death at the same time.

Death laughed pitifully, for no one, not even Brian, whom he somewhat knew, would get off so easily. Death snapped his fingers, in an instant New Brian appeared on the porch, just as confused and dumbstruck as Brian was.

"This is New Brian" Death continued, "I'm sure you remember him."

Brian nodded slowly, at the same time wondering where Death was going with this.

"He'll be keeping an eye on you, making sure that you do what you're supposed to" Death explained, "Make Chris happy. Make him see who he is. Connect with him if that's what you want. And, if you've proven yourself worthy, if you can make a lasting impression, I'll reconsider taking your soul."

With that Death disappeared, leaving Brian alone with New Brian in awkward silence. New Brian looked around for a few moments saying nothing, simply taking his situation in. Taking a breath, New Brian wheezed, instead of air filling his lungs he found it to be sulfur and brimstone, commonplace in Deaths' domain.

"How cruel fate has become" New Brian said cursing himself and Death at the same time, "To dare give me false hope! This is a fate worse than Hell ever could be."

Brian tapped New Brian's shoulder, causing the dog to turn around and face him.

"You" New Brian continued, venting his emotions towards Brian, "This is all your fault. You just _had_ to be with your family didn't you? You just had to go and ruin everything! I was happy. I was happy and they were happy."

Death instantly reappeared behind him; New Brian didn't even have to turn around to feel his presence. Instinctively New Brian, his gaze to the ground, turned around and took a knee.

"Forgive me sir" New Brian exclaimed, "I have displeased you-"

New Brian raised his paws submissively towards Death, who remained motionless.

"Punish me" New Brian begged, "Let your will be done Master. Lash me a hundred times; throw me in the Lake and then-"

Death sighed annoyingly, cutting New Brian off.

"Dude I told you a thousand times that's not me" Death answered, "That's Satan's forte. I just reap and sew, reap and sew. Now do me a favor, shut up and watch the mutt. Make sure he stays within the guidelines."

Brian raised his eyebrows curiously, for this was the first time that he heard about guidelines of any sort. Death, seeing Brian's confusion, decided to elaborate.

"When making a deal with Death, directly or indirectly there are certain guidelines that have to be followed to make sure that it is fair. The one you verbally signed states that I am not allowed to kill you and that you are not allowed to affect the world in a significant way outside of helping Chris."

Brian rolled his eyes, for "affecting the world in a significant way" could literally mean anything, which he amused is what Death was going to cover next, who continued as if Brian was doing nothing.

"New Brian, my loyal servant, will make sure that you stick to your part of the bargain. He will be taking extensive notes of your activities and will report them to me to keep me to up speed."

Brian shrugged, he could see some sense in that. Death, after a few moments, extended his hand for a handshake, Brian hesitated at this point, for he knew that a handshake, in terms of deals, was just as good as a signature. It would make the verbal contract active until the allotted time had passed, which in this case, all determined on Brian's actions with Chris and ultimately Chris' reaction to said actions. Brian breathed in, hoping against hope that whatever it was he was able to do would be enough to turn Chris' life around. Confidentially, with complete faith in his own ability, Brian accepted the handshake, after which Death disappeared leaving him alone with New Brian on the porch.

New Brian returned to his own two feet, shook his head in disbelief and turned towards the door. He didn't even bother looking at Brian, too busy contemplating his own situation to immediately start working. Walking through the door, New Brian looked down as soon as his feet touched carpet, he felt nothing. It might as well have been air. He closed his eyes for a moment or two, trying to remember what carpet felt like.

"I'm sorry" Brian declared sadly, "You didn't deserve this."

New Brian huffed, "Don't start" he replied coldly, "Don't pretend that you're concerned for me. You're not. You're only thinking about yourself. Ironic considering that you have to think about yourself in order to help Chris. So tell me Brian, what do you think now?"

Brian walked inside, closing the door on his way in, at the same time he decided to give an honest answer. "I don't know. Let me get back to you on that."

New Brian nodded and looked around, Brian, in an attempt to be a more lighthearted about the situation; decided that now would be the perfect time to ask the questions that he had concerning Hell.

"What's it like? Hell?" Brian asked curiously

"Not bad" New Brian declared, "It's got a pool...and the she devils are pretty hot."

Brian smiled, his tail slightly wagging at the same time, "Really" he said surprised, "That's interesting..."

The more he thought about it the more Brian became suspicious of it.

"Are you saying because it's the truth or because you're required to say it?"

New Brian laughed, amused that Brian caught on quickly. "That was a completely literally answer Brian. Seriously did you read Revelation?"

Brian said nothing, for he did not want to air his opinions in front of New Brian, despite every urge he had telling him otherwise.

"Take my advice" New Brian continued, "If you make bets you can't afford to lose, do whatever you have to, to win. Even if it's something you're not proud of."

Brian nodded, for he found the advice to be quite useful, even if it was from Death's servant As he made his way inside,Chris walked downstairs for breakfast.

"Hide!" Brian yelled as he ducked behind the couch, New Brian remained motionless.

"What are you doing?" Brian continued, his tone unchanged, "Get down here!"

New Brian shook his head and laughed pitifully, "Do you believe in angels Brian?" New Brian asked curiously.

"Not really" Brian answered quietly, not wanting to arouse suspicion, "Why?"

New Brian shrugged and casually kicked the ground to give his feet something to do.

Brian rolled his eyes annoyingly, "How can you be an angel? You're Death's servant, I'm pretty sure that's classified as being a demon."

New Brian said nothing and continued into the kitchen; Brian slowly stood up and followed him. Upon entering the kitchen, Brian sat in his usual space and tried to the best of his ability not to look at anything of particular interest, lest New Brian learn any new information about him and use it as leverage against him later.

"Okay let's get this over with" Chris said as he began eating his usual bowl of cereal, original Captain Crunch to be exact.

"What?" Brian asked, coming out of his daze and looking towards Chris, "Did you say something?"

Chris nodded slowly, at the same time wondering how Brian could simply forget the events of the night before. After a few seconds, Brian pieced the pieces together.

"Of course" the dog declared, "Your problem. How do you feel about Batman?"

Chris raised his eyebrows confusingly, for he failed to see what Batman had to do with anything, especially when it came to his problems which were relatively Batman free.

"What are you getting at?" Chris said, "Cause if it's something stupid you can forget it."

Brian stopped himself, rationalizing that the direct approach only worked once. Brian switched gears.

"How about I take you to school today?" Brain suggested, "Give Lois a break? What do you say?"

Chris shrugged indifferently, for Brian had taken him to school before, he didn't see why this time had to be any different.

"Fine" Chris exclaimed as he finished breakfast, "If we must, we must."

Brian chuckled to himself, "Oh we must" he replied excitedly, "We must indeed. Besides, it'll be perfect for us to talk."

Chris nodded and made his way out of the kitchen and upstairs to his room to get ready for school. Meg meanwhile, came down the stairs, making her way to breakfast. As soon as she saw Brian, with that gleam in his eye, the kind of gleam that people get when they have a good idea, she knew immediately what he was thinking.

"Please don't" Meg declared, "Don't do the thing. Please, not to Chris, he has enough trouble in his life. He doesn't need you causing more."

Brian raised his eyes, obviously insulted. He glanced over at New Brian in the corner of the room; he was taking notes in a small notepad, getting every detail everything down to the clothes Meg wore to the smell of the room. Brian quickly turned back to Meg, drawing on what little he picked up in an acting class and simply pretended that New Brian didn't exist, which to the rest of the world, was mostly true.

"You seemed to like it" Brian defended, "What happened Meg, did I bring back bad memories? You know getting shot wasn't the highlight of that story for me."

Meg rolled her eyes, "Look Brian I know that you're trying to make him feel better, but I'm telling you Chris doesn't need it. He needs someone who understands, someone real."

"And I'm not real?" Brian continued, "I'm here aren't I?"

Meg nodded, "Yes, but Batdog isn't."

New Brian laughed uncontrollably at this. "You've got to be kidding me!" New Brian screamed, "Batdog! Really? That's the stupidest thing I've ever heard. What it is like your secret identity or something?"

Brian growled menacingly towards him, but quickly calmed down when he realized what it was he was doing.

"Sorry" Brian said apologetically, "Mouse."

Meg nodded slowly and sat down on the other side of the table to eat her breakfast, saying nothing more. Lois and Peter came down, both of them still dressed in their night clothes. Brian didn't even have to look at them to know that last night was an unscheduled sex night, for he could smell the sweat on their bodies and the hormones that still raged in their systems. It was the one thing that his nose was good at detecting, having plenty of experiences after a hard night. It was times like this that reminded Brian of Carrie, his current girlfriend, a nurse at the Quahog Children Cancer Center, or CCC.

"Morning" Lois said sleepily as she straightened her hair, "Did you guys sleep well?"

Meg nodded, "Okay" she answered, "Could've been better, but okay."

"Didn't sleep a wink" Brian declared, "In fact, I don't think I've slept well in a long time to tell you the truth."

Lois shrugged and absentmindedly poured herself a bowl of cereal, not her usual breakfast, but it was obviously one of those mornings that she didn't really care what she ate as long as it got her through the day.

"Go see the vet" Lois replied, "You've needed to go anyways. Check your heart; check your brain...standard procedure. Think you can handle that?"

New Brian made some scribbles in his notebook, causing Brian to look over his shoulder nonchalantly. New Brian waved casually, giving a devious smirk, which told Brian that whatever it was wasn't good. Brian sighed and turned back to Lois, his face sad, the look of defeat.

"Sure Lois" Brian said, trying to remain positive, "Whatever you say."

Brian stood up and reverted to all fours, headed towards the living room to get ready for the day. Everything he had told him to cry, Brian refused, for crying would mean that he had already given up. He needed to be stronger, for both himself and Chris. The more he thought about it, about what he was supposed to do, the more Brian solidified his resolve and his willingness to succeed.

"I'll be taking Chris to school today" Brian declared, "Give you a break. That okay?"

Lois nodded, "Sure Brian" she replied, "It'd be a good change around here."

Brian smiled and continued on his way. New Brian raised his eyebrows curiously as he documented Brian's activities.

"When did he start doing that?" Lois asked to no one in particular

Meg stood up, finished with breakfast and moved towards the living room, "He's a dog Mom" Meg answered, "Sometimes I think he needs to remind himself."

New Brian nodded as he wrote down the information in big, bold letters.

"Is that what he told you?" Lois pressed

Meg shook her head, "No. It's what I gathered. Who knows what his reasons are, maybe he doesn't have any, maybe it's just because. He won't say, either way."

Meg glanced at her watch, she was running behind, at this rate she was going to be late for first period. Chris was already downstairs, ready to go, when she walked into the living room.

"Have a good day Chris" Meg said encouragingly, "Don't let them get to you okay?"

Chris nodded, "Thanks Meg, same to you eh?"

Brian, who was waiting by the door, hung his head in embarrassment, dismayed to hear that Meg, despite all the work that he had done, was still having the same problems that she always had. Part of him wanted to help her as well, but with the presence of New Brian and Death looming over his shoulder, he didn't want to risk breaking the contract. Saying nothing, Brian walked out the door, grabbing his keys on the way out. Chris, Meg and New Brian followed close behind, all of them thinking about what the day would bring as they headed off to James Wood High.


	3. Chapter 3

No one said a word. It was as if the concept of breathing was unknown to them. Brian tried his best to break the ice, turning on the radio trying to find something that he thought Chris and Meg would like. Unfortunately, Brian knew almost nothing when it came to their taste in music, so he simply turned to the hits station. The radio announcer, Weenie from Weenie and the Butt, could be heard on the air.

"Okay folks that was Pink Floyd's Another Brick in the Wall Part One part of Weenie's Blast to the Past hour. Up next we have The Doobie Brothers Listen to the Music, hope you enjoy it on this fine November Tuesday morning."

To keep the mood up, Brian began chair dancing as the song played. It wasn't very good, especially considering that he was wearing a seatbelt, but he didn't really care. The only thing he wanted was to give them a good time, for he knew that their lives at this point, were as stressful as ever.

"Come on guys" Brian said encouragingly, "Dance with me."

Chris huffed; he was not one for dancing. In fact, he disdained dancing in any form.

"No thanks" he replied, "I'm not much of a dancer. Besides there's not enough time, we're already late enough as it is."

Brian rolled his eyes, hating the fact that Chris was being a downer. Meg was no different; she simply stared out the window trying not to look at anything, at the same time disowning Brian, who had already done enough damage to her life the first time around, for she never truly forgave him for it and she probably never would.

New Brian meanwhile was simply trying to figure out what Brian was going to do, curiosity taking over. As he thought about this, he remembered Meg and Lois' conversation in the kitchen and wondering if perhaps Brian was struggling with his identity and thus the reason for Batdog. New Brian kept these opinions to himself at the moment, but even so, he couldn't help but wonder why Batdog existed and furthermore why Brian even cared enough about Chris to risk his soul.

Brian turned off the radio with a deep sigh. Silence returned, engulfing them as if they had entered into a dark abyss, a bottomless pit from which no light could escape. Pulling up to the school, he unlocked the doors and waited for Chris and Meg to get out of the car.

"Have a good day" Brian exclaimed, "You guys need anything, you let me know."

Meg nodded, "Thanks Brian" she replied, "I think we'll be okay."

Brian nodded in turn and perked up his ears, waiting for the shutting of the doors. Chris knocked on the window, causing Brian to roll it down and stick his head out.

"Yes?" the dog asked curiously

"I like video games, Donatello and Rocky Road ice cream" Chris declared, "Now it's your turn. Who's your favorite superhero?"

Brian smiled and shook his head playfully, "Batman" he answered, "What about you?"

Before Chris could answer he was pulled towards the door by Meg, who complied, giving Brian a quick wave goodbye.

"Griffin!" a voice yelled, causing both Meg, Chris and Brian to turn in its direction, "Get your ass over here!"

Chris, upon seeing who it was, rolled his eyes annoyingly and made his way over as confidently as he could to a small picnic table, on which sat Sunday McNealy. Sunday was the captain of the football team, the stereotypical jock that everyone loves for the wrong reasons and hates for the right ones. He was the type of guy who always wore the letterman jacket that ultimately meant nothing, twenty years from now he would still be wearing the jacket, forever stuck in a past that was long gone.

"What do you want Sunday?" Chris asked rhetorically, not really caring if Sunday had a reason or not, for he couldn't care less about Sunday's opinion anyway.

"Payment" Sunday answered as he stuck out his hand, "Now."

Chris remained motionless. "I don't have to give you anything" Chris replied, "What you're doing is wrong, it's promoting gang violence at this school and personally I don't appreciate it."

Sunday raised his eyebrows in a challenging fashion.

"What did you say to me?" Sunday asked, wanting to have justification, or in this case perceived justification, for a well placed punch.

"You heard me" Chris declared, "I'm tired of taking your shit, we all are."

Sunday laughed sarcastically, a small crowd was gathering around him, slowly forming a mob. Meg, seeing the issue, slowly walked over.

"You don't pay" Sunday exclaimed, "You don't see!"

Chris rolled his eyes, for even he knew that Sunday's statement didn't make any sense. Still he said nothing; he wouldn't give him the satisfaction.

"What's the matter Griffin?" Sunday continued as he reached for his back pocket, which contained his switchblade, "Cat got your tongue?"

The crowd had formed a full circle; Meg had pushed her way through.

"That's enough Sunday" Meg declared as she grabbed Chris' arm, "He's not giving you anything. Why don't you just leave him alone?"

Sunday stopped and shook his head in denial.

"No one tells me what to do" Sunday yelled, "especially not a little whore like you!"

Before anything else could be said or done, Brian leaped from the crowd, claws at the ready and teeth barred.

While Chris and Sunday were busy having their conversation, Brian pulled around to the nearest parking spot, stepped out of his car and opened the trunk. Rummaging through various pits of paper, garbage and a red blanket that he used for special occasions, namely car sex, he pulled out his Batdog suit, carefully covered in a clear laundromat bag.

New Brian, who was out of the car and next to Brian at this point, couldn't help but laugh.

"Okay, I'm going to be honest I didn't take you seriously before, but really?"

Brian nodded, "This is going to help Chris" he defended, "I know it is. Batdog will find a way, he always does."

New Brian shook his head pitifully, he was beginning to think that Brian was delusional. Again, the issue of Why came into his mind. A million questions involving Brian's motives were running through New Brian's head, questions that would ultimately need to be asked in order to give Death an accurate report.

"Chris is a big boy Brian" New Brian exclaimed as he jotted down his thoughts in his notebook," Don't you think it's time to fight his own battles?"

Brian nodded in full agreement.

"I'm not fighting his battles Newbie" Brian continued, "I'm just opening his eyes to his full potential. Chris needs to realize who he is; he needs to realize what he is. A little self confidence, words of encouragement and support. That what he needs and that's what I'm going to give. I just don't know how yet."

New Brian casually glanced over in Chris' direction, "Yeah well you better make it fast" he exclaimed, "Cause from the looks of things, Chris is about to get a black eye."

With no time to change, Brian quickly resorted to next best thing. Strapping on Batdog's utility belt Brian checked the compartments and pulled out three bone shaped dog biscuits as big as the average human hand.

"Damn" New Brian declared, "That's a big biscuit, what are you goanna do? Eat it, fat man?"

Brian growled annoyingly, "I am not fat" he defended, "Just pudgy. Besides that's not important now."

Brian ran over to the closest bush to Chris he find and ducked inside of it. New Brian casually followed behind, carefully taking notes.

"Alright Brian" Brian said to himself as he readied a biscuit, "You've only got one shot at this, better make it count."

New Brian stifled a laugh, "You don't have any friends do you?" he asked partially out of pity.

"What makes you say that?" Brian asked in turn, raising his eyebrows but not daring to divert his gaze from Chris and Sunday.

"Because people with friends don't dress up in Batman suits and talk to themselves" New Brian added, "Are you mentally insane perhaps?"

Brian laughed at the suggestion, for he had often asked himself that same question.

"I'd say so" Brian answered, "But it's the best kind of mental instability one could have Newbie."

New Brian raised his eyebrows curiously, confused at Brian's meaning. Brian did not elaborate, for he didn't care if New Brian understood, for such things were beyond New Brian anyway, he was dead and Brian was alive, there was no point in talking of worldly things or making worldly analogies.

_"Great"_ New Brian thought to himself, _"I'm stuck with the lunatic. Again. Why do I always get stuck with the crazy ones?"_

Brian cautiously peered his head out of the bush; it was difficult for him to see much of anything, mostly because the crowd that had formed around Sunday and Chris had built to such a degree that seeing much of anything was close to impossible.

"Damn it" Brian continued to himself, "Can't get a clear shot."

New Brian's eyes practically bulged out of his head at this, "You're kidding" he exclaimed, "You were going to throw it? What good would that have done?"

Brian shook his head annoyingly, "Do you know anything about distractions?" he asked rhetorically

New Brian shook his head, "What are you talking about?" he continued, "You're completely insane! Throwing biscuits at people isn't exactly helping Chris out now is it?"

Brian growled defensively, "You want to report it? Fine, go ahead, see if I care. I'm doing what I know how to do."

New Brian huffed, "So you've been to those uppity dog shows and learned a few parlor tricks, big deal Brian. Anyone can throw a biscuit really hard."

Brian, having no choice but to fall to his backup plan, pocketed the biscuits and nonchalantly joined the crowd. Honing his ears to Chris' voice and allowing his nose to be its own master, catching various degrees of sweat. Brian pushed his way through until he found a decent line of sight.

"What's the matter Griffin? Cat got your tongue?"

Brian clenched his teeth at this, for he hated the phrase "Cat got your tongue", mostly because he was a dog and thus had a hatred for cats in general, but also because he had heard it too many times to count and none of them in good environments.

"Take it easy Brian" New Brian said as calmly as he could, seeing Brian tense up, "Don't start anything you can't finish."

Brian ignored him; absentmindedly he opened the second compartment on the belt and pulled out a retractable box cutter.

"Okay...why do you have a box cutter?" New Brian continued worriedly, "And more importantly, what are you going to do with it?"

Brian rolled his eyes, "Parlor trick" he gritted annoyingly, "Now will you shut the hell up, people are going to think I'm crazy!"

New Brian rolled his eyes, "As if they don't already?" he mumbled to himself.

It was then that Sunday called Meg a whore, causing Brian to snap, jumping over the people in front of him as if they weren't even there to begin with. In one swift motion Brian tackled Sunday to the ground, box cutter aimed ever so gently at Sunday's torso.

"Who the hell are you?" Sunday declared

Brian spat in Sunday's face and pulled him in as close as possible.

"I thought I was explicitly clear with you people" Brian said, his voice stern and loud but not to the point of yelling, "You mess with Meg, you mess with me. The same goes for Chris."

Sunday's eyes widened, for now he knew who he was facing.

"Holy shit" Sunday exclaimed with a laugh, "You're that crazy Batman guy aren't you?"

"Yeah" Brian continued straightly, "The crazy Batman guy."

Brian punched Sunday in the face as hard as he could. Sunday started to scream, before he could Brian covered his mouth with his paw, his knuckles slightly covered in blood.

"I'm going easy on you this time" Brian declared threateningly, "don't think you're safe just because you walk inside that building. I'll be watching you, and if you so much as look at either one of my kids' funny, I will not hesitate to use force. Do we have an understanding?"

Sunday looked at Chris and then at Meg, his eyes were fearful.

"Call off the hound" Sunday begged, "Call off the hound!"

Meg touched Brian's shoulder, causing him to turn around.

"Let off Brian" Meg pleaded, "He isn't worth it."

Brian reluctantly complied; the crowd slowly broke up, most of the students made their way inside. Sunday scrabbled to his feet, grabbed what bags he had and rushed inside accidentally brushing past Ernie the Giant Chicken on the way.

"Watch where you're going McNealy" Ernie exclaimed, "You'll hurt someone you keep running like you do."

Sunday nodded nervously, "Yes Mr. Chicken, sir. No running, sir, that's a promise sir."

Ernie huffed in disbelief, "Don't think I don't know what you're up to McNealy. You roam these halls like you own the place, picking on kids like you're the big man on campus."

Ernie, who was wearing a red tie that complementing his yellow feathers, straightened it before rapping Sunday on the head with his beak.

"Let me tell you something mister" Ernie continued, "Its punk ass idiots like you that get my feathers bunched. And do you know what happens when my feathers get bunched?"

Sunday shook his head; he knew the answer but was too afraid to say anything. Ernie's presence alone was enough to bring him almost to his knees.

"Bad things" Ernie said answering his own question, "I'm a nice guy Mr. McNealy, I don't like being the bad guy in these situations but as a teacher it is my responisbility to see to it that rules are upheld and students safe. Your behavior is breaking those rules and endangering students."

Sunday began whimpering, it wasn't because he was afraid of Ernie, more so because of the added threat that Ernie gave in addition to Brian. At seeing this, Ernie softened, for he hated it when anyone cried on his account.

"Get to class" Ernie said finally, "And do me a favor will you? Stay out of trouble."

Sunday nodded again and headed on his way to his class. Ernie watched as Sunday turned a corner, he couldn't help but feel pity, for he knew what Sunday could be if he only took the time to sit down and learn. Ernie slowly turned back towards the outside. Chris and Meg could still be seen, Brian was nowhere to be found.

"Chris, Meg" Ernie yelled, "Stop clucking around and get your asses in here."

Chris and Meg hurried as fast as they could, secretly laughing to themselves at Ernie's euphemism.

"You look today nice Mr. Chicken" Meg replied as she walked past, "Did you lose weight or something?"

Ernie laughed playfully, personally having a soft spot for Chris and Meg, he was easily the only teacher in the school that gave them any attention and in way very much like Brian, saw their full potential before they did, Ernie being a specific type of teacher that sought to make young boys and girls into respectable men and women with their own opinions on how the world worked instead of going by what every college textbook said on the subject, whatever that might be.

"Funny enough I did" Ernie answered, "Wife's been on me for years now. Finally doing it."

Chris nodded in understanding, "Was it for health reasons or because she didn't find you attractive?"

Ernie shook his head, "That's none of your business Chris. Remember in these walls I'm not your friend, I'm your teacher Mr. Chicken. Personal matters are left at the door."

Chris nodded again and made his way to his first class, he wouldn't have Ernie's English until later. Meg however, walked straight into Ernie's classroom, the chicken following close behind, mentally arming himself for the students that lay ahead.


	4. Chapter 4

**Contains some strong language**

Standing before Death in the back of the school parking lot, New Brian was anxiously holding his report. Brian meanwhile, was busy getting in costume.

"This is really nice" Death began indifferently

"Really?" New Brian said hopefully, "I mean it's not much to go on, but it's something."

Death nodded, "Yes the whole occasionally walks on four legs thing is intriguing I will say. His interest in Batman is confusing though, what'd you get on that angle?"

New Brian shook his head pitifully.

"Brian's a nutcase sir" he replied, "He dresses up like Batman in an effort to cheer people up, make them forget about their problems somehow. You want my opinion I'd say it's more of an annoyance."

Death causally pulled out a scroll that had Brian's information on it, as he read he found no indication of Brian ever, not even once, doing anything for the benefit of a complete and total stranger without asking for something in return.

"Get him talking Monty" Death ordered, "If it checks out it could increase his chances of living."

New Brian raised his eyebrows curiously, "And is that good or bad for us? What exactly do we want here?"

"We want him dead!" Death continued, raising his voice, "Brian Griffin is a two-timing, no good, dimwitted idiot who believes he's smarter than he actually is. He hasn't had a stable source of income for years, he completely ignores what family he has left, can't even bother to keep a girlfriend, has no self respect and to top it all off he actually believes that he can redeem himself by being something that he's obviously not. He's a lair Monty, he's always been a lair and that's all he's ever going to be."

New Brian nodded in understanding, but to say that he openly agreed with Death was a stretch. Understandably, New Brian resented him for taking what would have been a happy life, away, but to go so far as to simply kill him for no reason was a line that he wasn't willing to cross.

_"Just because you hate someone"_ New Brian thought to himself, _"Doesn't mean that you want them dead. Do you think those thoughts sometimes? Of course you do. But you don't act on them, because acting on them would make you a monster."_

Death looked around cautiously, making sure that no one was around. When he was sure that the coast was clear he pulled out a small picture. The picture was of Brian's brother, Harmony, a moonshiner in southern Virginia. Harmony was scrappy in appearance, his fur hanging slightly over his eyes. His smile, which was the warm and friendly kind, the kind that you would welcome after a long day, was gap toothed in the front. Harmony was also sitting on a moonshine barrel, his face directly staring at the camera.

"This is Harmony" Death explained, "He's that brother I was telling you about. Use him as leverage."

"Wouldn't Jasper be easier sir?" New Brian asked, "I mean after all, Brian is closer to him."

Death shook his head in disagreement, "We can't make this too easy, now can we? We get Jasper involved and we might as well drop the whole thing. We gotta give ourselves an edge. Exploit his past and make him guilty enough to abandon Chris and focus on family matters."

"But Chris is family to him sir" New Brian pointed out, "How will that work?"

Death laughed knowingly, as if the answer were obvious. "Good" he said slyly, "Use that little detail. But first, get Harmony in Quahog and get him with Brian. Then the real fun can begin."

Brian, now in costume, made his way over to New Brian causing Death to disappear. New Brian sighed heavily as he turned around to face him, somehow he couldn't help but feel as if all of this was wrong.

"So how'd the report go?" Brian asked curiously as they made their way towards the building, "You put in a good word for me like I asked?"

New Brian shook his head in response, "The longer you play poker with Death, the shorter your stack of chips become Brian."

New Brian, knowing that Brian would have something to say in response, turned towards him and decided to be as blunt as possible in an attempt to crush whatever hope Brian had.

"I will never, ever, put in a good word for you, do you understand?" New Brian began, "I physically cannot do that both as Death's servant and as a demon, so you can just kiss that little dream goodbye cause it's never going to happen."

Brian huffed. "Alright, geez" he declared, "You didn't have to get so uppity. Now come on, I have an idea."

Brian made his way over to the side of the school, he was approaching the gym. New Brian followed closely behind.

"I took a look at Chris' schedule" Brian explained as he continued walking, a row of bushes appeared on his left just below a group of large windows that looked into the gymnasium.

"The best way to help Chris out is to shadow him" Brian continued, "I'll figure out what's causing the problem and fix it indirectly. That way, he'll never know it's me."

New Brian rolled his eyes, "You sure do a lot of talking don't you?" he exclaimed sarcastically, "Are you going to shut up and do something or are you going to miss your chance because of flapping gum disease?"

Brian peered into the window; he could see Chris standing in a line before a pacing gym teacher. Cracking the window, in order to hear better, Brian put all of his attention on the gym floor, noticing that New Brian was slowly reaching into his pocket, searching for information.

The gym teacher, Mr. Sinclair, a former Sergeant Major, was everything that you would expect from a kid's worst nightmare. Standing at 6'2 with a shoulder width of three men standing side by side and an imposing right foot, which was significantly bigger than his left, causing him to limp, he was the sort of person that you wouldn't want to mess with. Sinclair handled his class like he would a group of plebes at a military academy, using strict and harsh discipline, even going so far as giving corporal punishment on occasion. Sinclair, when it came to Chris' problems, was low on the radar, but it was still one that needed addressing and the one that he was currently dealing with.

"Listen up maggots" Sinclair began, "I'm only going to say this once. I don't want to hear any bullshit about how you can't do the job! When I say run you run, when I say crawl you better damn crawl as if your life depended on it! I will accept no backtalk in this unit and I expect unwavering discipline and obedience from all of you. I will not hesitate to call your parents, who were stupid enough to have you brainless idiots and tell them what a bunch of useless, retarded and biggest pieces of shit that I have ever seen in my entire life! I will fail each and every one of you, right now, if I hear anyone make a single sound."

Silence filled the room, no one dared to even breathe, lest that constitute as a sound in Sinclair's mind. It was painful to even so much as think about it. The bell rang for class to begin, Sinclair, as if on cue, blew his whistle and ordered the students to run laps around the room as a warm up exercise. Chris, who was not athletic in any sense of the word, was sweating and breathing heavily on the second lap.

"Griffin you lazy sack of shit" Sinclair yelled, "How many times have I told you to lay off the Ding Dongs and the soda pop! It's people like you that make me sick to my stomach and throw up yesterday's breakfast. Now stop right now and give me 250 pushups on the double!"

Chris stopped and stared Sinclair in the eyes, daring him to repeat the statement.

"Sir" Chris began, "I'm sorry but I can't do that."

Sinclair's eyes budged at this news, in his mind it was the ultimate defiance of a direct order.

"Did you just say what I think you said soldier?" Sinclair asked, "Because if you did I have one thing to say to you..."

Chris closed his eyes, mentally preparing himself for whatever punishment Sinclair would give.

"You got yourself some nice balls" Sinclair continued, "I need more people like you in my outfit. How'd you like to join boot camp?"

Chris shook his head politely, "No thank you sir. Medically unfit for service. Besides I don't think you'd like me when I'm tired. Getting up every day at 5 am isn't exactly my thing."

Sinclair nodded and immediately returned to his normal demeanor, "Now drop and give me 250 Griffin!"

Chris rolled his eyes and half heartedly saluted as he got down on the floor and began doing what he considered to be pushups. Chris, as said before, was not athletic in any sense of the word and so did the pushups on his knees.

"What the hell is that Griffin?" Sinclair berated, "You call that a pushup? I've seen better in the-"

Sinclair was interrupted by a dog biscuit to the neck, turning around he could see Brian, dressed in his Batman costume and completely abandoning his plan for the moment in favor of a more direct confrontation.

"You've got to be kidding me!" Sinclair declared, his tone of voice never changing, "Halloween was a month ago you idiot, why don't you take your stupid Batman getup, drive off in your fucking Batmoblie and leave like the pussy you are!"

Brian laughed sarcastically and shook his head, "I'm afraid I can't do that sir" he replied, "Not until I teach you a lesson."

Chris stared at Brian and then at Sinclair, he had a good idea on what Brian was talking about but didn't want to believe that it would actually happen.

"I do love me some Vietnamese food!" Sinclair exclaimed gleefully, as the students stopped running and looked on.

"Yes, yes we've all heard that one before" Brian replied indifferently, "You got any original material to say or are you just ripping off of the drill sergeant character from Forrest Gump because you're really annoying."

Sinclair huffed in disbelief, "You sure do talk a lot don't you? Are you goanna fight or stand there and bleed while I beat the shit out of you? I'll take either or!"

Ernie came into the room causing Sinclair to turn around for a moment, giving Brian the opportunity to slip away virtually unnoticed into the rafters of the gym by way of a grappling hook that was connected to his belt.

"What the hell is going on here?" Ernie asked curiously

Sinclair laughed, it was the kind of laugh that victorious people gave, "I'll tell you what's going on" he began.

Brian shook his head pitifully as he positioned himself on the rafter, New Brian appeared next to him, he was hyperventilating, constantly looking down in fear.

"What's wrong with you?" Brian exclaimed

"What's wrong with me?" New Brian retorted, "What's wrong with _you_! What happened to observing Chris' movements huh? That was a safe plan. That was a good plan!"

Brian shrugged and gave a short laugh, "What do you want me to do?" he continued, "Watch as he gets tortured by Sergeant Dickhead? No thank you, I'd rather take my chances then see that."

New Brian rolled his eyes annoyingly, "There you go, same old Brian, always getting into things he shouldn't. And I thought you said you weren't fighting his battles?"

Brian shook his head again; for there was no way that he could get New Brian to understand. It was something that could not be explained, expressed through action instead of words.

_"I can't help it"_ Brian thought to himself, _"I refuse to allow Chris to fight the world alone. It's us against the world and win or lose, we'll do it together. You made that promise long ago Brian, it's time you own up to it."_

Sinclair stepped up to Ernie daringly, almost wishing that the chicken would take him on.

"You know what your problem is Ernest?" Sinclair yelled, "You're too goddamn soft on these kids. You want them to succeed, to be someone in the world? Punch em in the gut and show them what the world is like!"

Ernie remained motionless, saying nothing, simply allowing Sinclair to have his way with him for the time being.

"You're too lost in your books and stories to see things for what they really are!" Sinclair continued, "You're filling these kids heads with stories and ideas that simply aren't true. Fairy tales, unicorns, rainbows and lollipops, that's all you are Ernest and that's all you're ever going to be!"

Ernie huffed annoyingly, "Is that a gay joke?" he asked curiously, unaffected by Sinclair's attitude, "Because if it is it's offensive and I happen to be married to my beautiful wife. When I get home tonight I'm going to shower her with all the love and affection that I can give, while you sit there in your trashy apartment sad and alone because you never took the time to read and see the world from how it should be seen, from the heart."

Sinclair spat on Ernie's chest in the most disrespectful way possible.

"Get out of my classroom" Sinclair barked, "I see you here again and I'm having fried chicken for dinner."

Ernie knocked Sinclair on the head with his beak as hard as he could, causing him to duck his head giving Ernie an opening to grab Sinclair's whistle and blow it with equal force, signaling the dismissal of class.

"Class dismissed!" Ernie shouted throughout the room as the bell rang. Turning back to Sinclair, Ernie yanked the whistle forcing Sinclair to move closer and get directly in the chicken's face.

"You threaten me again" Ernie replied, "And you and I are going to have a talk with Logic and Reason-"

Ernie gestured to his right and left biceps respectfully, indicating what he was talking about.

"For the sake of your health I suggest you lighten up, because I do not want to bring them into this and trust me Ed, they've been waiting to pummel a shithead like you for a long time, longer than you'd care to know."

Chris stood up, having finished 20 of the 250. Ernie, at seeing Chris, let go of Sinclair and patted Chris' back as gently as he could.

"Get to class Griffin" Ernie said firmly

Chris nodded in understanding, "Thanks Mr. Chicken, see you fifth period?"

Ernie laughed, "You can count on that-"

Ernie pulled out a piece of paper and a pen and wrote a quick note to Chris.

"Just in case you're late" Ernie continued, "You were with me. If they ask with what, say the production, they'll know what it means."

Chris nodded again, gathered his things and exited the gym heading for his next class. Sinclair growled menacingly and followed Chris, making his way towards his office. Ernie looked around curiously, ultimately stopping on the rafters as Brian made his way down to the floor.

"So you're the one Ed was talking about?" Ernie said rhetorically, "The crazy Halloween guy. You realize that a month ago right?"

Brian smiled and laughed, "It's not for Halloween" he explained, "Not a bad idea though."

Ernie rolled his eyes playfully, "Then what's it for?" he pressed, "You a vigilante or something?"

"What do you think I am?" Brian asked, at the same time testing Ernie's trustworthiness.

Ernie shrugged as he made his way out of the room, he did not answer Brian's question, mostly because he did not have an answer. Brian only looked on as Ernie made his way down the hall back to his classroom. New Brian, who was next to Brian at this point, was standing beside himself not exactly sure what to make of the situation.

"Will you look at that?" New Brian said suddenly, "I guess KFC is more than he appears to be."

Brian nodded in agreement saying nothing, seeing no reason to add on to New Brian's statement which was all that really needed to be said to begin with.

With this Brian moved over to the corner of the room, took off the costume and threw it in the nearest trash can he could, the only thing he kept was the belt. Batdog was needed in a different form, one that was discreet, covert and seemingly invisible. With this idea in mind, Brian left the gym and entered the hallway heading towards Chris' next class.


	5. In Which the Author Interrupts the Story

In Which the Author Interrupts the Story

Brian made his way to the main thoroughfare of the school. To his right was the cafeteria, from Brian's position a few tables and the beginning of the lunch line could be seen. Just as he was about to pass it up however, Brian heard the distinct sound of Sunday McNealy, yelling insults and petty threats at anyone who could hear.

"Just ignore it Brian" New Brian instructed, pulling straight from the contract, "It's not your problem."

Brian was about to take New Brian's advice when he heard Sunday's voice, which was distinctive, yell across the room.

"Hey Meg! How does it feel to be the brother of a loser?"

This insult, despite the fact that it wasn't a very good one, was annoying enough to send Brian into the cafeteria. Before he could officially walk in the room however, New Brian got in front, stopping Brian in his tracks.

"Okay hotshot I'm pulling rank" New Brian declared, "You're duty is to help Chris remember? Do you want your soul to be ripped violently from your body?"

"Maybe I do" Brian answered sarcastically, "Maybe, just maybe I'm suicidal. Did you ever think about that?"

New Brian shook his head in response, for he didn't think about that possibility.

"Well are you?" New Brian asked, a bit of worry showing in his voice.

Brian huffed, "Of course not!" he replied, "Who would be? Souls ripping out of bodies is not a comfort experience. Anyone who tells you otherwise is lying! But personally if it comes down between my soul getting ripped out and the happiness of my kids I'll take my chances."

"Again" New Brian said to himself, "Why am I always stuck with the crazy ones?"

Brian scoffed, "Are you going to actually do something or are you just going to stand there and watch? If you're so interested in seeing me fail why do you don't do something! Like stop me!"

-I think I can answer that.

Brian looked up, for now he was starting to hear voices.

"What now?" Brian asked annoyingly for the time being playing along, "Can't we just get on with it already?"

-No.

"And why not?" Brian continued, "Who are you anyway?"

-I'm the author of this story.

"Story?" Brian said scratching his head, "What story?"

-You do realize that you're a character right? You don't exactly exist.

"Gee thanks a lot" Brian replied sarcastically, "Now I'm going to go home and have a mid-life crisis. Thank you disembodied voice."

-Don't thank me.

"How exactly does this story go?" New Brian said butting in, "So far it's been nothing but melodrama. It's not even remotely funny."

-Shut up Monty I wasn't talking to you. You're just the supporting character, you're not important.

"Well that's a little rude" New Brian declared, "I most certainly do matter. I'm dead for Pete's sake!"

-Who's Pete?

New Brian rolled his eyes and sighed pitifully, saying that he was annoyed was an understatement.

"You really don't understand expressions do you?" New Brian continued, "Pete is nobody, but what does that have to do with anything? Just tell the story already and quit talking to us!"

-Okay.

Brian and New Brian slowly become comfortable with each other.

"What the hell are you doing?" Brian said as he lifted his hand, placing it casually on New Brian's shoulder.

-Being all powerful and controlling. Now shut up and dance.

"Dance?" Brian exclaimed, "Really? In the middle of the school? Are you insane?"

-Most definitely. Do as I say and you won't have to kiss.

Brian turned immediately towards New Brian.

"You a good dancer?"

New Brian shrugged, "You're talking to the Jeff County Grand Prize Winner of the 1999 Dance Competition. I specialized in waltzes and sambas."

Brian nodded, "Okay then" he continued, "For the sake of ourselves and whatever fucked up story this is. Let's waltz."

-To answer your question Brian, New Brian is currently conflicted with himself. He's going to sell you out to Death and use your brother as leverage.

"What is he talking about?" Brian asked as he moved throughout the hallway, letting New Brian lead.

"Nothing" New Brian answered nervously, as he began to sweat, "He's just joking isn't that right buddy?"

-You want to hear a joke? Okay. Why is a raven like a writing desk?

"I don't know" New Brian answered, "Why is a raven like a writing desk?"

-It's an unanswerable question you idiot. No one can make sense of Lewis Carrol and anything the Mad Hatter has to say. Now shut up and dance!

"What do you think we're doing?" New Brian continued, "How long do we have to keep this up?"

Brian nodded in agreement, "I'm with him on this" he replied, "I'm getting tired and this is really starting to creep me out. This some of kind sick fantasy of yours disembodied voice?"

-Call me Author, Brian. Now if I'm not mistaken you were supposed to be doing something.

Sunday came out into the hallway, when he saw Brian dancing with himself it was enough to make him question absolutely everything that had been his life up to this point.

"What are you doing?" Sunday asked sternly, his voice raising to uncomfortable levels, "You're supposed to be in the cafeteria by now!"

"Believe me I know" Brian said annoyingly, "Author's got me by the tail."

Sunday looked up towards the ceiling.

-Hello asshole, how's it going?

"Speak for yourself" Sunday answered, "What the hell did I ever do to you man? Why'd you make the asshole?"

-I needed a scapegoat.

"Wow" Sunday continued, "That was brutally honest of you."

-You're welcome

"It wasn't a compliment" Sunday replied, "Let em go so we get back to the story. You're kinda pulling the wool over our eyes here!"

-How old are you? Who says that anymore, pulling the wool over our eyes, what are you 45 and counting?

"I'm the same age as you asshole" Sunday replied

-That explains a lot actually considering that you're still in high school when I'm in college. What'd you stay back a few grades?

"This is getting ridiculous" Brian grumbled under his breath as he stopped dancing, "Sunday get back in the cafeteria and insult Meg again please we'll take it from the top."

-I believe I'm the one in charge here Brian.

"You can't make me do anything I don't want t-"

New Brian was suddenly overcome with an extreme sense of passion, leaning in as expressively as possible making full use of his arms New Brian wrapped himself around Brian and began kissing him, making sure to slip in his entire tongue, which was considerably easy since he was dead and only had to pull it out of his mouth and stick it down Brian's throat.

Brian in response to this, immediately pushed New Brian off of him and spat out the tongue, which was now covered in Brian's saliva. The dog then vomited all over the floor.

"Oh god" Brian exclaimed, "Oh god…what the fuck is wrong with you!"

New Brian nodded in full agreement, his arms folded across his chest in disappointment.

_"Tell the goddamn story already!"_ New Brian yelled, sounding like an old man who had lost his dentures due to his detached tongue.

-Okay I've had enough fun. Here's the real story.


End file.
